Kuch Kaho na....

She was in his arms. fighting with her life. she is sure that she is going to leave the world soon. she is sure that she is going to leave him soon. she is sure that she is going to be dead soon. she is sure that she is going to be no more in this world soon. 

He is just moving his hands slowly in her head, deep inside her hairs; so slowly, so gently. so, that she might not get hurt. He is sure that after some time she will not get hurt forever. He is sure that he will be left alone in the midst of the crowd. He is sure that he will feel lonely. 

And at this senario he wants to listen something. and he expresses his feelings in this way. here it goes:

सौ जन्म का साथ अपना
साँस का धड़कन से जैसे, 

आस का जीवन से जैसे,

रूप का दर्पण से जैसे,

झूठ  के परदे ना ढूँढो

सच कहो ना.....

कुछ कहो ना.....

एक दूजे के लिए हम,

हाथ में कंगन के जैसे,

पाँव में पायल के जैसे,

प्यास में सावन के जैसे,

झील सी सिमटी ना बैठो,

कुछ बहो ना....

कुछ कहो ना....

जानता हूँ थक गयी हो

उम्र के लम्बे सफ़र में,

साँप से डसते शहर से,

भीड़ के गहरे भंवर से

वक़्त कुछ कहता है, सुनो ना....

इतना डरो ना......

कुछ कहो ना.....

किस तरह लडती रही हो,

प्यास से, वीरानियों  से,

नींद से, रानायिओं से,

मौत से और ज़िन्दगी से,

तीज से और तन्हाईयों से,

सब तपस्या तोड़ डालो,

अब सहो ना.....

कुछ कहो ना....

सांस थी सहमी  सी,

धडकनों को एक डर

इतना तनहा और लम्बा

ज़िन्दगी का ये सफ़र

पल से पल तक जी रहे हैं

तुम ही पल पल आस हो ना

एक पल तो और ठहरो,

एक पल और साथ दो ना....

कुछ कहो ना...... 

If I could !

First of all, I wanted to know ur reviews about replacing the blog name from "when heart speaks" to "A smoke & a cup of coefee". Actually, from some of the days there is raining in almost all the major zones in India. And believe me its quite romantic. And I m finding my smoke with a cup of coeffe quite lovely than earlier. That is the technical reason behind changing the blog title.

And here it goes a romantic composition of words. These were roaming throughout my thoughts since quite a few days ( actually, from the day the rain started falling these feelings became more stronger). Not taking too much time here it goes finally:-

If I could just embrace you once,
And feel the warmth of your arms.

If I could lock my lips with yours,
And seal the deal of romance.

If I could look into your eyes,
And see the same passion raging wild.

If I could have you by my side,
And whisper sweet nothings to you.

If I could entwine your hands in mine,
And walk along the sunny seashore.

If I could be with you for a day,
And that day would never end.

If I could, I would let you know.
My dear, I would never let you go

  

If I could !

[ Image Courtesy : www.santabanta.com ]

अभी यहाँ !

अभी यहाँ
मैं बैठा हूँ
अभी यहाँ
तुम होती
अभी यहाँ
समंदर किनारे हम टहल रहे होते
और समंदर हमारी धड़कन सुन रहा होता
अभी यहाँ कोई नहीं होता
और मैं तुम्हारी आँखों में डूब जाता
और ये गाती गुनगुनाती ज़िन्दगी
यूं ही बीत जाती
अभी यहाँ
दुनिया ठहर जाती
सब कुछ धीरे धीरे हमारा हो जाता
ये दुनिया हमारी हो जाती
और हम एक दूसरे के हो जाते
अभी यहाँ
एक तारा टूटता
और हम एक दूसरे को मांग लेते
अभी यहाँ
तुम नंगे पाँव दौड़ती चली आती
और मैं तुम्हे देखता
और तुम सच्चे झूठे बहाने बना
मुझसे लिपट जाती
अभी यहाँ
मैं तुम्हे जगाता
तुम्हारी जुल्फों की लटों को सुलझाता
और तुम आँखें खोल
मुझे देखती
अभी यहाँ
मैं मर रहा होता
और तुम्हे अगले जन्म में फिर मिलने का वादा कर
मैं सुकून से तुम्हारी बाँहों में मरता
अभी यहाँ
मैं बैठा हूँ
काश यहाँ
तुम होती !

[Image Courtesy : photobucket.com ]

I almost see you there !

The only time when I am reminded I can still feel, anticipate, crave is when I walk across the road and expect to meet you coming from the other end. Lanky and Grinning. And the feel is so strong that I ALMOST SEE YOU THERE.


Else I am sternly indifferent, numb, uncaring, emotionally paralyzed.


I do not hate or love this state I am in. Though it's both better and worse than what I have been in. Because I have leaped over the zeniths of ecstasy when in love with you. I have also decayed in the filth of being lovelorn when we ended with a break up. And I believe this state of being nowhere, being in between the two is much better than being tortured by such extremes and crossing them blindly for the beyond.

Also there is this constant awareness of a mammoth of suppressed sorrow within myself. The fear is that it still lives by the possibility of an eruption, a sudden one, anywhere, anytime. Things go out of my hands then. Now probably is one such time.

Switching between numbness and breakdowns, sometimes I experience this anticipation, this craving. This intermediate phase is independent of the past and the present. It's unaware of what has happened between us. It doesn't know a thing. And it waits, like crazy, to meet you walking down from the other end of the road. Lanky and Grinning. And the feel is so strong that I ALMOST SEE YOU THERE.

This sometime happens in a horrible 10 o'clock traffic jam too. I roll down the glass and wish you were just there. There in the next cab. Or when I am picking up groceries from the supermarket, to meet you in the next aisle, doing the same. Or when I cross by the temple where we usually used to meet, to sit for hours in the indefinable peace, something from my inner side says that you are just sitting there, waiting for me. The will is so strong, so strong that sometimes I ALMOST SEE YOU THERE. There, right in front of me.

Expecting coincidences, I move in and out of consciousness so fast, that I forget I am crossing a busy highway, I could just get hit by car and die. But my numbness doesn't let me feel any difference between being alive and being dead. It doesn't.

It's very scary you know, that moment of not being able to realize the difference between life and death. And that's when I fall back and into an abyss. Exactly !

Parting. Emptiness. And hence the post.

When I found her I was overjoyed. Or rather she found me. Most of the time it happened that way. she was the active one, doing things, starting chats, taking decisions, defining boundaries. But, at times she always listened me. Always followed my decision quietly. Let's go the beach, we should cease talking right from now, lets part. I was the one who left her. We parted at my insistence. Shame on me ! (wat may be the reason behind the screen for taking such a rude, such a hard, such a cruel decision, might be she was knowing or might not be).

You know partings are not always the same. Some people fall into landscape slowly but surely. Sadness fills you up and yet you know you won't raise your voice and call them back. And they will at last blur against the horizon. Some disappear suddenly. Without a moment's notice. As if they had gone over a cliff. And on some a curtain falls upon from the sky. The bare outlines can still be seen, but everything else gets swallowed up in blackness - of anger and hate. Even nearness doesn't make any difference. They get lost to you. These partings are endurable. But there is one more that is not - when you clutch the hem of their shirts refusing to let them go and they drag you along with them over a cliff. You part while you are falling. Before crashing into the ground. Before going to pieces. But I didn't go to pieces when we parted. I should have but I didn't. Let me break into fragments. Have you ever felt like that ? I felt like that. Wanted to cut my heart out it pained so much. All I wanted was emptiness, a moment's calm. Wanted to clutch it in my hands and crush it, stop it for a moment. Let me be. Then I took the pill - the key to help me keep my pieces together, preserve myself. I opened the room full of lampblack and rolled into it. The pill of cynicism.

But it was all her fault. She had taught me every little thing but she hadn't taught me how to go to pieces. How to accept it, let it happen. She never went to pieces. she was damn sure of herself. Of me. His (Mine) love is beautiful, she said. It has to be beautiful, that's when it is true. She had more than 100% faith on me. But me. A Shameless creature ! I know it's a cliche, but it's important to remember this cliche. That's why it has been repeated so many times, become a cliche. Wait and love will come to you. But you have to know what you want, recognize her when she comes. She made me feel that was all. I had just got to recognize her when she came, and everything would fall in place. There was nothing else. A closed world. Just her and me. Two tiny drops in a closed jar, waiting to become one. It happened that way. There was no other world, of complexities, of pain, of helpless drops that were more like puppets. Whom the finger of fate, the boneless wrist of time could flick around as they pleased. Send them somewhere else or leave them to dry. So I couldn't accept it when they played around with us. I wanted to kill myself. Not my body, but the soul. I wanted to smother my heart in the black flakes. Stop the Pain. Replace it with emptiness. And believe me there is emptiness all around. To be in home after a very hectic schedule and work pressure almost for 02 months on a regular basis, I thought would be quite good stay at home. But then memories surrounds me in the emptiness. And hence the post !

A Question

Gone are the days when you had to depend on pigeons to spread the word of love and wait for another month to get her reply back. Half of the time poor birds used to get confused making wrong connections like delivering my mails to your girl friend (and you used to blame me).

Thanks to advances in science, love now knows no boundaries. Reliance and social networking sites has helped love grow faster and quicker. On the negative side, the social networking sites have also given  birth to a new generation of Net Romeos, stalking every female profile across globe. If you really want to imagine the pain of a girl who receives thousands of friend requests daily on Orkut (from horney people), you have to think of how you feel when you get unsolicited sms from Airtel about their nonsense promotions.

Usually web based love grows spiraling through four stages. Orkut stage (or introductory stage) lasts for 10 days where both parties get to know each other on basic level. Since privacy is an issue with Orkut,  love

moves to second stage, G-Talk stage.In this stage both lovers gets more comfortable with each other gathering various personal information like count of previous boyfriends /girlfriends. They also start sharing their pictures to each other and male will change his computer password based on her name. This stage nearly lasts for 2 months. Then lovers move to Phone stage. In this stage, phone bills start increasing and finally both parties switch to Reliance as it gives free talk time to other Reliance phones during night. At this stage lovers mostly discuss their daily routine like when did they take shower or what she bought from the market. At this stage both agrees that they love each other and can not live without each other. Then finally comes fourth stage, Face to Face stage. Both decide to meet somewhere to discuss how they are going to disclose their love to their parents.

Now my question is:

Is Science been a good supporter of love by introducing various networking sites, minimal call rates, free talktime(specially Reliance) OR Science been a curse to Pure Love ?

Painful Memories

was awoken this morning at 4.30am
with an onsaught of painful
memories
memories of stuff that I had
forgotten over the last few months
words, actions, looks have all come
back to haunt me
things, people, emotions i didnt
want to remember
situations i would rather forget
needless to say I am awake
trying to deal with the deluge of
recall
sigh..........

He... She....Love....!

1.     He. She. Std VII. Too early to know what is love. Can understand what is outside beauty. First day of class in Std VII. He saw her. She saw him. Eyes met with each other. From that day he started to notice her, to see her, to watch her activities. He was unknown of the Love-Factor. But he was addicted to her. Her eyes. Her looks. Her hairs. Her voice. Everything. He want to talk to her always. Its December. Its time for the yearly exam. Both passed and promoted to Std VIII. He becomes happy whenever he sees her. whenever their eyes met. He started feeling jealous whenever he sees that she is talking wid someone else (Male). He started to see her eyes randomly in the class. sometimes, she gives a notice to it, sometimes not. Year went and they were promoted to Std IX. He increased "to-see-her-eyes-randomly-in-the-class" factor. This time, this year, she was also a bit interested. She started giving a notice to it always. Always. He sees her. She sees him. Eyes met with each other. She smiles. This process started its repeat mode automatically, every minute. It was (This process) gave him immense pleasure. Wat about she, don't know ! Perhaps the case was same with her also. Yes, it was to early to know what is love. But, they judged with their little and im-matured mind-cum-heart that this was love. One day Our English teacher caught them. Why not ? He (This time He tends to our english teacher) was teaching with his heart and soul but they ( He, She) were busy in glancing in each other eyes. ( They used to sit at a 10 feet gap with each other). The whole class which includes 83 students noticed them. They feel ashamed ! The "glancing-in-each-other's-eyes" stopped ! He was sad. Wat about she, don't know ! But, after a few days its started again. Once again, He was very happy. He becomes very happy when his eyes met with her eyes. He seems to be the richest man, the happiest man on the universe for a few seconds. His friends told him, that "Abe tumko to pyar ho gaya hai" and words like that effect. Again it was too early to realize what is love. Year went. They promoted to class X. After few months he decided to say to her that what he feels about her. He started to search that chance when he can tell, explain, express his feeling about her. Time came. One day, She said to he that she want to tell something to him. He was overjoyed. ( Wo soch raha tha ki, chalo yaar accha hua, wo hi pahle propose kar degi. ) He replied to her that he also wanted to tell her something. Now, what she was thinking, who knows ? They decided a place where they can have their talk. Decision was like this, Kal shaam ko mere ghar ke paas ek party hai. Tumhe invite kiya hai ? oh, accha. Tum please jarur aana. Wahin par tum apni baat kehna aur mai apni baat keh dungi.


2.     He was upset. She was upset. She waited a long time for him. He didn't come. why he didn't come, don't know. It was of some unknown reasons. He was upset more than she. He decided to go her home and meet with her.


3.     He went to her home. Sorry mai kal party me nahi aa paya. Koi baat nai par maine tumhara bahut der tak intazaar kiya. she replied. He nooded with a sorry expression. Hmm, toh tumhe kuch kehna tha. He said. Tumhe bhi kuch kehna tha, pahle tum bolo. It was the reply from her side.This discussion lasted for at least one hour. Lastly, she decided to tell what she wanted to say.

4.     Wo ---------- ( sorry, i can't write her name) keh rahi thi ki wo tumse............! Kya wo mujhse.........., Apni baat complete karo please. He replied with a unknown face expression. Wo --------- loves you. Ab samjhe buddhu ! She replied. He was shocked. What was he expecting and what was the result. Bloddy damn !

5.     Now its your turn. You also wanted to say something. She said. Hmm... He said with a deeper voice and a silent expression. He said nothing. Just remembered that how they used to have a glance in the classes, every minute. 60 times in a hour. 320 times in a schooling day.  He said nothing. She wanted to know eagerly. But he said nothing.

6.     It was a proposal. A love letter. Which is rarely found in now-a-days love. Who cares, to write. But he cared to write. He has written all the feeling he can describe in a piece of paper (though it was very tough, somehow he managed to do it). He gave it to her. Not directly to her. It has gone through a medium to her.

7.     He waited. He waited....... No reply of that Love letter. He was upset. He was sad. He decided, to quit everything. He decided to quit the glances he managed to stole, in the classroom. Though it was tough but he managed to do it. He somehow managed to have nil links with her.

8.     Its was 08 Aug 2001. She gave a book to him. The  cover of the book says that it was a book for "Advanced Maths" for class X. There was something inside this book. He came to home. Opened that book. He got a piece of paper inside. "I accept your proposal with the help of this ordinary piece of paper". I could not write much coz  i am not so good in it. Believe me, whatever was written on that piece of paper, still attract him to read all those. (Still means, till date as it is 23 Mar 2010. He might have gone through that paper, a million-billion times but still he goes through that ) It was love. He. She. Love....!

9.     Now, it was quite comfortable life with having their wish completed. They loved. They rarely meet. But, they write. They write a lot. They wrote to each other. However, it was difficult to write the true feelings on a piece of paper. But, they tried for it.

10.    1 April 2003. Perhaps, it was their last meeting as a boyfriend-girlfriend. But, they were unknown from the fact that this is gonna to be their last meeting. They shared jokes with each other. They walked together, holding each other's hand for quite a few kms. They sit. They talked.

11.    8 Dec 2005. They meet again. she was someone's wife. They meet at their friends home. That day was their friends birthday. she prepared "Gaajar Ka Halwa" specially for him. Wat a devotion ! She is married, She is someone's wife. Still making the damn "Gaajar ka Halwa" for him. He wanted to have a glance with her (which they usually done in their classes, from std. VII to std. X). Eyes met. Smile was missing from She's face. He felt bad. He left the party.

12.    24 Dec 2005. He was leaving his residential place. He left. 26 Dec 2005. A phone call. Dialled by him. Received by her. wishes. Belated X-mas wishes. Advance Happy New Year wishes. Advance B'day wishes. (She used to cut the cake on 03rd Jan). Replies was Same to u, Same to u and thanks. Take Care ! These were the last words said by her to him. Who knows that this gonna to be the last talk between them.

13.    Now, She is no more in this Bloody World. Why she left this world, she knows or god knows. Might be it was above our imagination. No doubt, She was a goddess.

14.   He framed a suicide note like this:   (Might be he had written for the last time for her)

        My dear, 

                   I missed u all the day and night. I missed all the glances we stole in our classes. I think there is no other things which can make me happy other than our glances. Eyes meeting with each other. You smile. You shy. Don't worry dear. Don't feel yourself alone. I am coming. I am coming to you. We will be in a different world. There nobody have got the power to divide us. We will have a sweet life in a sweet home there. I am coming.......... 

15.    He had never suicided. Why ? Who knows !

Science says, "Love is..................."

In our terms of view, love is to care 4 somebody, to think 4 somebody and da power to leave the whole world 4 da one to whom you love and something which is reflected in point no.8 of my blog, "I hate........".

 But what science says is laid down here. Take a look of it........

{There is a dozen of view to speculate ‘love’. Wisely science depicts love as life like force which keeps the varied organs speed up through inner activities concerned with both body and mental aspects. So science tends ‘love’ as its trendsetter to dig up into the very core of things. The creation of science based on ‘relation’ guided by invisible related power of both physical and mental world regarded as love. So, in the light of science ‘love’ as an arrant relationship in the matter of ‘attachment’, ‘passion’, and ‘sex’ without which this life and world not be feasible. So sex, passion, attachment and mating are indispensable in life whenever they are cherished in the asking of true way because without this body ( i.e. physical / visible world) no inner activities are probable. In the topic of love, Helen Fisher divides ‘the experience of love into three partly overlapping stages: lust, attachment and attraction’. And in 2005, an Italian scientist at Pavia University found that ‘a protein molecule known as the nerve growth factor (NGF) has high levels when people first fallen in love, but these levels return to as they are after one year. Specially four neurotrophin levels,viz NGF, BDNU, NT-3 and NT-4, of 58 subjects who had recently in love were compared with levels in a control group who were either single or already engaged in a long term relationship’. ‘Biological models of sex tend to view ‘love’ as a mammalian drive, much like hunger or thirst.—sexual desire involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. —the brain consistently release a certain set of chemicals including pheromones, norepinehrine and serotonin, which act similar to amphetammes stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side-effects such as heart beat, loss of appetite and sleep and an intense feeling of excitement’.}


( Note: The contents above are taken from Wikipedia-encyclopedia.)
Now, wat u think "wat is love ???"