Monday, April 25, 2011

I almost see you there !

The only time when I am reminded I can still feel, anticipate, crave is when I walk across the road and expect to meet you coming from the other end. Lanky and Grinning. And the feel is so strong that I ALMOST SEE YOU THERE.

Else I am sternly indifferent, numb, uncaring, emotionally paralyzed.

I do not hate or love this state I am in. Though it's both better and worse than what I have been in. Because I have leaped over the zeniths of ecstasy when in love with you. I have also decayed in the filth of being lovelorn when we ended with a break up. And I believe this state of being nowhere, being in between the two is much better than being tortured by such extremes and crossing them blindly for the beyond.

Also there is this constant awareness of a mammoth of suppressed sorrow within myself. The fear is that it still lives by the possibility of an eruption, a sudden one, anywhere, anytime. Things go out of my hands then. Now probably is one such time.

Switching between numbness and breakdowns, sometimes I experience this anticipation, this craving. This intermediate phase is independent of the past and the present. It's unaware of what has happened between us. It doesn't know a thing. And it waits, like crazy, to meet you walking down from the other end of the road. Lanky and Grinning. And the feel is so strong that I ALMOST SEE YOU THERE.

This sometime happens in a horrible 10 o'clock traffic jam too. I roll down the glass and wish you were just there. There in the next cab. Or when I am picking up groceries from the supermarket, to meet you in the next aisle, doing the same. Or when I cross by the temple where we usually used to meet, to sit for hours in the indefinable peace, something from my inner side says that you are just sitting there, waiting for me. The will is so strong, so strong that sometimes I ALMOST SEE YOU THERE. There, right in front of me.

Expecting coincidences, I move in and out of consciousness so fast, that I forget I am crossing a busy highway, I could just get hit by car and die. But my numbness doesn't let me feel any difference between being alive and being dead. It doesn't.

It's very scary you know, that moment of not being able to realize the difference between life and death. And that's when I fall back and into an abyss. Exactly !


SK PANDEY.... said...

Its life buddy, and really its u n only u who can encrypt feelings into words........thanks.........luv u.........

Mukesh said...

@ Pandey Sir : Number 1, Thanks for the time u spend by going through this shit.
Number 2, Itz u too, just try blogging. C'on, don't be lazy man.
Number 3, (Least but not the Last) : Love u too !

shankar said...

great dear ... after go through this article I got a lot of pent-up emotions .....!!!

Mukesh said...

@Shankar : Thanks for your comments. I think this is your first time here in my blog. No comments on your emotion wala part. Becoz Love is emotion and nothing.

Anand said...

Kya baat hai Mukesh bhai, recent posts mein birah ke sur goonj rahe hain? Purani ke naam ke love letters pe rubber chalaiye aur nayi wali ko ankit kejiye.

BTW good post.

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